What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 08:05
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I think the readers, may guess!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why would Trump make conspiracy claims that Haitians are eating pets in Ohio?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My family never makes their pension either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She found it foreign!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But, we were locked up after school.
Have you ever lied to your family? What were the circumstances?
I was 9 years of age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was seconnd youngest,
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im still living with it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We all went to grammer schools
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He knew the spot.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Especially a lifetime of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was very sick at this time too.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I waited trembling.
When she asked me how she looked .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But it wasn’t much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My life is so biszare .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i lived it daily.
All the time i was locked up.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
It was going to be , some day.
Comes on , in middle age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I write beautiful poetry .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
What did i know ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So whats the point in blame.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She loved him until the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I have no regrets .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I will be 64.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ive learnt so much.
I don,t even have a pension.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So, i spoilt her more .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is soul school!.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?